I have decided to stop posting to the blog. I wanted to discontinue the blog awhile ago but I was persuaded to keep it going. There have been some anonymous comments posted to the blog, somebody that doesn't have the courage to admit who they are but I'm sure we can all pretty much figure out who it was.

Michael & I have been married for 17 years and have been together for almost 21 years. Walt & Andy are my family. Unfortunately something that was meant to honor Michael and inform our close friends and family of our status has turned into someones hateful, selfish, bitter rant. Michael knew for 5 months that he was dying....he made his peace with everyone that he felt he needed to.

I appreciate all my friends that have supported me through this incredibly painful time. I love you all and I look forward to hearing from you.

Jerryl

I don’t really know how to put into words what I’m feeling right now….it’s like I’m in a state of limbo…like I don’t have a place in the world….like I’m watching my life from far away. The words “life goes on” comes to mind but I feel like my life is going on without me. I’ve tried to make several changes in my day to day life but nothing seems to help me connect with reality. Do I stay here? Do I buy a house? Do I sell the boat? And to make matters worse, certain members of my family have decided that their wants and needs take priority over everything else. How is it possible that they are concerned about “things” at this point??? It’s all I can do to get through everyday without having a complete breakdown. Their insensitivity is draining. I feel like they are eating away at what little sanity I have left.

Mesa & Stella are still very needy and clingy. I’m not sure if it’s because they sense my sadness and uncertainty. The two of them just stare out the door at me when I have to leave. It breaks my heart but I don’t know what to do for them.

Oh Hon.......today would have been 17 years and I miss you more than I thought possible. I have loved you for more than half my life and the void you have left in my heart is devastating. Everyday I step into the garage and see the blue car all covered up and I am frozen.....all the memories of all the wonderful times we had come rushing back with a flood of emotion. I know you would tell me to get on with my life and I should be all cried out. I try so hard to be strong and everyday I make an effort to be normal but truth be told, I'm not sure I can be normal again. I would give anything to have just one more day with you. Sometimes I let myself believe that this is all a bad dream and I'll come home and you'll be waiting for me....but then reality hits me and I crumble. I don't know why this happened. I wish there was something else I could have done. When I think of the pain you were in, I am relieved it went quickly for you.....but I, the boys and the dogs miss you terribly. I will always love you.....Happy Anniversary.

I thought I was doing so well yesterday...I think I only cried twice. But I don't know what happened today.

For some reason I remembered one of the last times I was able to communicate with Michael. I think it was the Thursday before he passed away. Walter had come home and Michael wasn't able to say much or respond to us but I was always talking to him. I said, "Hon, Walt's here." and he moaned a little so I told him I would give him some more morphine. I started to cry and I bent over and kissed him on the head and I said "I love you" and he mumbled "I love you too". My heart stopped....Walt and I both froze....did he just say what I think he said? I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the very same moment?

Why does this scene keep playing over and over again in my head?? The tears just keep streaming down my face...why today??

I know my previous blog was bleak but can't deny that I feel hopeless and overwhelmed at times and I have a hard time hiding it. The numb disinterest in everything is slowly fading and it's replaced by a raw, scraped feeling that makes me a lightening rod for every heightened emotion that filters by. I'm painfully aware that things will never be normal again for me.

I started this blog to keep everyone updated on Michael's progress. Everyone is now telling me I need to keep blogging but I find myself having a hard time trying to put my feelings into words....and why would anyone possibly want to hear all this crap. I'm sick, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lonely, I'm empty, I'm terrified, I'm lost, I'm paralyzed, I'm heartbroken, I'm lifeless...what else is there to say.

Saying that I miss Michael doesn't even come close to what I feel right now. The stress has finally caught up with me and I've been sick the last couple of days. Believe it or not, Michael was really good at taking care of me when I was sick....he would stop and get me medicine and make hot tea or pick up some soup. I'm walking around in a fevered daze feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and I'll be able to dig my way out of this dark place.