I have decided to stop posting to the blog. I wanted to discontinue the blog awhile ago but I was persuaded to keep it going. There have been some anonymous comments posted to the blog, somebody that doesn't have the courage to admit who they are but I'm sure we can all pretty much figure out who it was.

Michael & I have been married for 17 years and have been together for almost 21 years. Walt & Andy are my family. Unfortunately something that was meant to honor Michael and inform our close friends and family of our status has turned into someones hateful, selfish, bitter rant. Michael knew for 5 months that he was dying....he made his peace with everyone that he felt he needed to.

I appreciate all my friends that have supported me through this incredibly painful time. I love you all and I look forward to hearing from you.

Jerryl

I don’t really know how to put into words what I’m feeling right now….it’s like I’m in a state of limbo…like I don’t have a place in the world….like I’m watching my life from far away. The words “life goes on” comes to mind but I feel like my life is going on without me. I’ve tried to make several changes in my day to day life but nothing seems to help me connect with reality. Do I stay here? Do I buy a house? Do I sell the boat? And to make matters worse, certain members of my family have decided that their wants and needs take priority over everything else. How is it possible that they are concerned about “things” at this point??? It’s all I can do to get through everyday without having a complete breakdown. Their insensitivity is draining. I feel like they are eating away at what little sanity I have left.

Mesa & Stella are still very needy and clingy. I’m not sure if it’s because they sense my sadness and uncertainty. The two of them just stare out the door at me when I have to leave. It breaks my heart but I don’t know what to do for them.

Oh Hon.......today would have been 17 years and I miss you more than I thought possible. I have loved you for more than half my life and the void you have left in my heart is devastating. Everyday I step into the garage and see the blue car all covered up and I am frozen.....all the memories of all the wonderful times we had come rushing back with a flood of emotion. I know you would tell me to get on with my life and I should be all cried out. I try so hard to be strong and everyday I make an effort to be normal but truth be told, I'm not sure I can be normal again. I would give anything to have just one more day with you. Sometimes I let myself believe that this is all a bad dream and I'll come home and you'll be waiting for me....but then reality hits me and I crumble. I don't know why this happened. I wish there was something else I could have done. When I think of the pain you were in, I am relieved it went quickly for you.....but I, the boys and the dogs miss you terribly. I will always love you.....Happy Anniversary.

I thought I was doing so well yesterday...I think I only cried twice. But I don't know what happened today.

For some reason I remembered one of the last times I was able to communicate with Michael. I think it was the Thursday before he passed away. Walter had come home and Michael wasn't able to say much or respond to us but I was always talking to him. I said, "Hon, Walt's here." and he moaned a little so I told him I would give him some more morphine. I started to cry and I bent over and kissed him on the head and I said "I love you" and he mumbled "I love you too". My heart stopped....Walt and I both froze....did he just say what I think he said? I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the very same moment?

Why does this scene keep playing over and over again in my head?? The tears just keep streaming down my face...why today??

I know my previous blog was bleak but can't deny that I feel hopeless and overwhelmed at times and I have a hard time hiding it. The numb disinterest in everything is slowly fading and it's replaced by a raw, scraped feeling that makes me a lightening rod for every heightened emotion that filters by. I'm painfully aware that things will never be normal again for me.

I started this blog to keep everyone updated on Michael's progress. Everyone is now telling me I need to keep blogging but I find myself having a hard time trying to put my feelings into words....and why would anyone possibly want to hear all this crap. I'm sick, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lonely, I'm empty, I'm terrified, I'm lost, I'm paralyzed, I'm heartbroken, I'm lifeless...what else is there to say.

Saying that I miss Michael doesn't even come close to what I feel right now. The stress has finally caught up with me and I've been sick the last couple of days. Believe it or not, Michael was really good at taking care of me when I was sick....he would stop and get me medicine and make hot tea or pick up some soup. I'm walking around in a fevered daze feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and I'll be able to dig my way out of this dark place.

My head tells me that I need to get out, see my friends, go to work and do normal things but honestly....I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing for a very long time. I know I'm suppose to try and rebuild my life but for the last 21 years, my life has revolved around Michael and for the last 5 months, my life has been consumed with taking care of Michael. I am so completely and utterly lost.

Well...my sister left Sunday and my mom left today. Uggh! Tomorrow will be my first day back at work. I guess now is the time when I'm suppose to try and resume my life. I have no idea how I'm suppose to do this. I started crying when the lady at the bank asked me how she could help me. What a mess!!! I would have to say the worst part of my day is going to bed at night. I made my mom sleep with me this past week but now it's just me and my thoughts. I'm dreading it......

It's been a little over a week since I had to let Michael go and I still can't get my mind around it. The service was a whirlwind and seeing the overwhelming response from all his close friends was a great comfort to me, I counted over 300 names on the guest registry. But I can't help but feel like I left a part of me there Saturday afternoon. I have a constant painful ache deep inside me that prevents me from focusing on anything for very long and I can't help but wonder if it will ever go away.

I have contacted The Cove of Lake Geneva and they will be offering a special rate for out of town guests.

The Cove of Lake Geneva
111 Center St
Lake Geneva WI 53147
262-249-9460

www.cove-lake-geneva.com

Services will be held in Lake Geneva at the Haase Derrick Funeral Home from 11-2 Saturday, January 23.

Please email me at jerryllux@ameritech.net if you would like to share something at the service.

I'm so sad....Michael lost his battle this morning around 9:30 AM. I didn't think I had anymore tears left inside me but the tears come and I wonder if they will stop......

It's hard for me to decide how much to share about what is happening with Michael. His decline has been incredibly swift and painful for me.

It is very difficult to find a balance with the pain meds. If I give the amount of medication the hospice nurses want me to give him, he is completely unresponsive which means I can't get him to eat or drink anything. If I decrease the meds, he is somewhat lucid and can recognize people and can communicate a bit. But with that comes the problem of him trying to get out of bed on his own and he is still disoriented and very weak. It's hard to have someone watching him every minute of every day. Someone is always in the house but not always in the same room.

Unfortunately the decision will be out of my hands very soon. It is becoming increasingly difficult for him to swallow pills. I will probably have to give him the fentanyl patch tomorrow.

This disease is wretched!

I'm at a loss for words....the tears are streaming down my face as I type. The changes Michael has gone through over the last few days have been....devestating...to say the least. I had hoped that we would see some improvement after the surgery and getting home but that hasn't been the case. He isn't eating much and stays in bed most of the time. Today, he wasn't very lucid. He goes in and out of reality. The nurse says it's a combination of the drugs, the disease and he may even be dreaming a bit. It is difficult to have a conversation with him.

Jeff & Julie Neises and Steve Locken have been here for a few days to see Michael and help me finish moving things out of the Lake House. They have been an enormous help and I never could have done it without them. It will be hard for me to express how much their time here has meant to me.

My mom and sister are coming Tuesday. I miss them very much and they will be able to help me with things.

I know many of you would like to see Michael but I also know that he would not want people to see him in this state. If you could just imagine yourself having the flu and how bad you feel.....now just multiply that times 1000.

I finally got him home. I swear I think hospitals will kill you!! He had the surgery at about 2:30 so we had to hang around awhile afterwards. We walked out of the hospital at 6:30. The weather was pretty nasty but I managed to get us home by 7:30. He had some soup and went to bed. Four days in the hospital was very hard on him. He's glad to be home....and me and the dogs are glad to have him home.

I got back to the hospital at about 8 AM. They gave Michael 4 units of fresh frozen plasma in order to lower his INR (blood clotting factor) for surgery. He started out at 6.8 and they needed him at 1.5. At 2 PM he was still at 2.1 so no surgery today. They will give him more plasma in the morning and hopefully they will be able do the surgery tomorrow. Michael is tired of being the the hospital. All he does is sleep all day from the drugs and he has no desire to get up and walk around because he is so uncomfortable from all the fluid that has accumulated. He's ready to come home.

I'm not sure where to begin....I took Michael to the ER at Froedtert Monday morning about 9 AM and they gave him a few pushes of dilaudid right away. Due to his complicated situation, they admitted him to the hospital which is what I thought they would do. We saw some of the members from the cancer team and they did a CT scan around 8 PM. They wanted to do some scans before they went any further. They also hooked up a pump so he could be in control of the pain medication. By Tuesday morning all Michael could do was push the "pain button" and sleep. He couldn't even carry on a conversation. It made for a long day.

Finally about 2 PM, the cancer team came in to give us the results of the scan. They explained that the cancer in Michael's liver had gotten worse and that there was definite cancer in his lungs. The problems he's having is from his liver shutting down. They are going to put in a catheter tomorrow morning so that we can drain the fluid from his belly everyday so that it doesn't build up again. The bottom line is they are just going to treat his symptoms and make him as comfortable as possible. There was some talk about hospice but we weren't quite ready for that yet. I agreed to let the people from hospice come to check the catheter and we'll go from there.

I'm so heart broken. I feel like all the crap he's been through with chemo has been for nothing. He has done everything they have thrown at him and nothing has worked. I'm so sad and it's so hard for me to share this news with everyone. They didn't give us any sort of time frame, and I didn't ask. So I'll bring him home tomorrow and hope for the best. I know there are a lot of you that want to see him but I'm not sure how he'll feel when we get home. I'll keep you posted on his condition.

I managed to get the scans moved up to Jan 6. I would have preferred Monday but I am satisfied that I was able to get them moved. You know me....being insistent is one of my fortes. His condition hasn't changed much at all since last weekend. He is still very jaundice and doesn't have much energy. The abdominal tap has made him feel better in general but he's still very tired.

I've always been a proponent of naturopathy but I've never been a dedicated follower. But with Michael's current condition and the doctors more or less giving up on his treatment....I have decided to give it a try. He doesn't have much of an appetite so I'm going to juice for him for a few days to try to jump start his liver. There's a few other nasty concoctions that I will be making him try as well. Michael is up for the challenge.

I appreciate all the emails and phone calls from all of you! I read every email to Michael. He's not as good at returning phone calls but he appreciates all your love and concern as do I!!!