I thought I was doing so well yesterday...I think I only cried twice. But I don't know what happened today.

For some reason I remembered one of the last times I was able to communicate with Michael. I think it was the Thursday before he passed away. Walter had come home and Michael wasn't able to say much or respond to us but I was always talking to him. I said, "Hon, Walt's here." and he moaned a little so I told him I would give him some more morphine. I started to cry and I bent over and kissed him on the head and I said "I love you" and he mumbled "I love you too". My heart stopped....Walt and I both froze....did he just say what I think he said? I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the very same moment?

Why does this scene keep playing over and over again in my head?? The tears just keep streaming down my face...why today??

I know my previous blog was bleak but can't deny that I feel hopeless and overwhelmed at times and I have a hard time hiding it. The numb disinterest in everything is slowly fading and it's replaced by a raw, scraped feeling that makes me a lightening rod for every heightened emotion that filters by. I'm painfully aware that things will never be normal again for me.

I started this blog to keep everyone updated on Michael's progress. Everyone is now telling me I need to keep blogging but I find myself having a hard time trying to put my feelings into words....and why would anyone possibly want to hear all this crap. I'm sick, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm lonely, I'm empty, I'm terrified, I'm lost, I'm paralyzed, I'm heartbroken, I'm lifeless...what else is there to say.

Saying that I miss Michael doesn't even come close to what I feel right now. The stress has finally caught up with me and I've been sick the last couple of days. Believe it or not, Michael was really good at taking care of me when I was sick....he would stop and get me medicine and make hot tea or pick up some soup. I'm walking around in a fevered daze feeling sorry for myself. Hopefully I'll feel better soon and I'll be able to dig my way out of this dark place.

My head tells me that I need to get out, see my friends, go to work and do normal things but honestly....I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing for a very long time. I know I'm suppose to try and rebuild my life but for the last 21 years, my life has revolved around Michael and for the last 5 months, my life has been consumed with taking care of Michael. I am so completely and utterly lost.

Well...my sister left Sunday and my mom left today. Uggh! Tomorrow will be my first day back at work. I guess now is the time when I'm suppose to try and resume my life. I have no idea how I'm suppose to do this. I started crying when the lady at the bank asked me how she could help me. What a mess!!! I would have to say the worst part of my day is going to bed at night. I made my mom sleep with me this past week but now it's just me and my thoughts. I'm dreading it......

It's been a little over a week since I had to let Michael go and I still can't get my mind around it. The service was a whirlwind and seeing the overwhelming response from all his close friends was a great comfort to me, I counted over 300 names on the guest registry. But I can't help but feel like I left a part of me there Saturday afternoon. I have a constant painful ache deep inside me that prevents me from focusing on anything for very long and I can't help but wonder if it will ever go away.