My head tells me that I need to get out, see my friends, go to work and do normal things but honestly....I just want to curl up in a ball and do nothing for a very long time. I know I'm suppose to try and rebuild my life but for the last 21 years, my life has revolved around Michael and for the last 5 months, my life has been consumed with taking care of Michael. I am so completely and utterly lost.

Well...my sister left Sunday and my mom left today. Uggh! Tomorrow will be my first day back at work. I guess now is the time when I'm suppose to try and resume my life. I have no idea how I'm suppose to do this. I started crying when the lady at the bank asked me how she could help me. What a mess!!! I would have to say the worst part of my day is going to bed at night. I made my mom sleep with me this past week but now it's just me and my thoughts. I'm dreading it......

It's been a little over a week since I had to let Michael go and I still can't get my mind around it. The service was a whirlwind and seeing the overwhelming response from all his close friends was a great comfort to me, I counted over 300 names on the guest registry. But I can't help but feel like I left a part of me there Saturday afternoon. I have a constant painful ache deep inside me that prevents me from focusing on anything for very long and I can't help but wonder if it will ever go away.

I have contacted The Cove of Lake Geneva and they will be offering a special rate for out of town guests.

The Cove of Lake Geneva
111 Center St
Lake Geneva WI 53147
262-249-9460

www.cove-lake-geneva.com

Services will be held in Lake Geneva at the Haase Derrick Funeral Home from 11-2 Saturday, January 23.

Please email me at jerryllux@ameritech.net if you would like to share something at the service.

I'm so sad....Michael lost his battle this morning around 9:30 AM. I didn't think I had anymore tears left inside me but the tears come and I wonder if they will stop......

It's hard for me to decide how much to share about what is happening with Michael. His decline has been incredibly swift and painful for me.

It is very difficult to find a balance with the pain meds. If I give the amount of medication the hospice nurses want me to give him, he is completely unresponsive which means I can't get him to eat or drink anything. If I decrease the meds, he is somewhat lucid and can recognize people and can communicate a bit. But with that comes the problem of him trying to get out of bed on his own and he is still disoriented and very weak. It's hard to have someone watching him every minute of every day. Someone is always in the house but not always in the same room.

Unfortunately the decision will be out of my hands very soon. It is becoming increasingly difficult for him to swallow pills. I will probably have to give him the fentanyl patch tomorrow.

This disease is wretched!